Not Me Monday.

Good morning. At least I can say good morning. It's Monday. And to break up the monotony of today, I am posting all of the things that I really did not do. It's my humorous detailed denial of my faults and weaknesses. I hope that you will join me over on MckMama's blog to read other Not Me's.

This is not my living room at this exact moment. As a matter of fact, those are not piles of clothes that have been folded to be put away, and those are not baskets of toys, and that certainly is not coffee table covered in my computer, coffee mug, and assorted books. And my realtor certainly is not going to call me to ask to show my house today. That would never happen.

I did not wake up with a bad ear ache. And I am not putting off going to the doctor to get an antibiotic just in case my ear ache wants to clear up on it's own by a miracle.

I did not totally come unleashed this morning when one daughter couldn't find her shoes and the other misplaced her book that she is reading for school. I did not snap at them both to get in the van that we were running late. My ear ache had nothing to do with my mood and attitude. I did not make the shoeless daughter wear her sandals in the cold because she lost her shoes. Nor did I make the bookless daughter go to school and practice in the car saying that she was irresponsible and misplaced her book. That would make me a mean mother.

I most certainly did not laugh at the baby shoving handfuls of cheerios into her mouth, since it's a brand new thing that she has learned to do, and then I did not start weeping uncontrollably because she learned this new skill and is growing up way too fast.

I did not realize that my Not Me's are really not funny today, so I did not leave gratuitous pictures of a pig in a shopping cart in my previous post for you to see.

I bet you have NEVER seen anything like this before. I bet money on it.

Meet Oscar. He's a pig. See him smiling for the camera? He likes to go shopping. He likes to go shopping at my favorite store. That makes Oscar my friend. I was quite surprised that Oscar was allowed in the store. Actually, I am more surprised that Oscar's family actually got him into a shopping cart.

I was even more surprised when my daughter did this. I laughed hysterically when after the kiss she exclaimed "Nope. Not a prince."
There aren't many people that can say that they have actually kissed a pig.

We are family.

We have these little people toys that we use in our homeschool math, that you can sort by size, color, male, female, child, etc. We normally use them for patterning lessons and story telling. Today, this little family was formed. Our family. Together. United. Whole. With Daddy with us.


Rats.

It's going to happen for us, right?

A story I want put on record.

This is the story about how my darling husband almost killed himself with a bullet. But bare with me here, I swear to you, this is a funny story. This particular instance happened a number of years ago, but in the true spirit of trying to embarrass my husband, I felt the impulse to record his story here for all future generations to read.

Once upon a time, my husband, who is a hunting type fellow, decided to go out squirrel hunting (or maybe it was grouse?) . So he packed up his .22 and a couple of bullets, his pipe and some tobacco to smoke and went on his merry way.

He decided on that particular day to hunt on some property that belonged to a friend of ours. He was gone for several hours, and when he didn't shoot anything, he decided to take one last smoke and call it quits. When he was done, he put the pipe in his pocket.

Fastforward to the next day.....

My husband arose early to head to work. It was chilly that particular morning, so he grabbed his coat as he headed out the door. About halfway to work, he decided that he had better take his smoke (what a dirty nasty habit, isn't it?) So he loaded his pipe with tobacco and lit it up.

As he did, he heard a loud BANG and something hit the window. He looked down and saw his beloved pipe blown to smithereens.

Apparently, a bullet from the hunting excursion the day prior, had rolled into his pipe while it was in his pocket. And my husband unknowingly had tried to smoke it. He's lucky that he's alive. He's lucky that the bullet didn't kill anyone in traffic that day. He's lucky that he didn't get into a wreck. He's lucky that I didn't ring his little neck.

So, anyone else out there have a husband that smokes bullets and lived to tell about it? I didn't think so.

Not me Monday, IV

I need to be teaching and cleaning up my house, instead of posting another list of Not Me's!!!! Here is my list of the things that I am totally denying that I did this week.

****I DID NOT pull a washed disposible diaper out of the washing machine this week. I mean, really, I totally check all of the laundry before I stuff it in the washing machine. And I am always sure to sort all of the laundry before washing it so that my children don't have to wear pink socks.

****I would never use a bowl scraper to eat the contents of the blender. The sides were so yummy looking with the sweet potatoes that I had just made up for the baby, I would never so dream as to eat my baby's food! No way!

****I soooooo did not forget to put a lid on my chicken and veggie stew that I put in the microwave. And that stew soooooooooo did not explode all over my spotlessly clean microwave. I mean, I didn't already have to scrub out my microwave that same morning because I overcooked the strawberry cream of wheat and had to spend 20 minutes getting that cooked-on creamy goodness out of my microwave. Oh, and then, on that same day, I certainly did not have to evacuate all the children from my house because I BURNT a bag of popcorn (which I was going to serve my children for dinner!), the air in the kitchen definitely DID NOT fill with smoke so thick you couldn't see to open the windows. And the reason that this did not happen? I didn't get tired of trying to scrub cream of wheat off the spinning plate thingie for the microwave, so I didn't stick it in the dishwasher. So would never do such a thing as stick a bag of popcorn in the microwave without the spinning plate thingie. SOOOOOO, by the end of the day, I DID NOT totally think about just tossing the microwave in the garbage because of my stupidity, and take the children out for icecream sundaes instead.

****I did not totally overextend myself on Saturday by offering to help a bride with her wedding. I did not lose my cool even once when I only had about an hour to feed the baby, curl both of my girls' hair so they could toss leaves, and make sure that everyone was in their places. I did not snap at a couple people when the candles would not light, the foyer of the church was full of boxes of food instead of looking lovely like I had left it the night before, and I did not get the slightest bit miffed at the bride when she showed up late. (Hether, when you read this, it's all good, girlfriend! I was soooo glad to be able to serve you on your wedding day. It was so beautiful, and your marriage will be so blessed!)

****I did not lose my cell phone with the ringer turned off. And I did not blame my middle child of passing gas when she was sitting on the couch....only to discover the cell phone on vibrate stuck between the cushions, where it certainly did not fall out of my pocket when I wasn't taking a nap yesterday. I mean, I NEVER need naps after weddings, church attending, and benefit dinners. Never!

How was your week? Anything going on that you um.....didn't do, either? Head on over to MckMama's blog and see what everyone else is up to.

A funny thing happened on the way....

Oh yes. The election. Not generally a topic that I would normally blog about. But today, I simply had to share with you this story.

A funny thing happened on the way to putting up my political candidate's sign in my yard.

We have a very elderly woman that lives across the street from us. She is 97, lives completely alone, and is almost entirely self reliant. She grows most of all her own food. But she has a few little issues.....she is very hearing impaired, her eyesight is about equivalent to that of the moles that dig in her garden, and she has a drinking problem. I chuckle as I write this because on numerous occasions, she sits outside with her coffee mug full of what she calls her "cough medicine."----a 50/50 concoction of Black Label Jim Beam and honey. We adore her.

Today, was such an occasion. I had just returned home from my political party of choice's office with a few signs to put up in my yard. Hetty was out on her porch, kicking her legs in her rocking chair, snapping green beans, and her famous cough medicine right there next to her. I tooted my horn in greeting and parked my car.

I had no sooner gotten out of the car and had started sticking my signs in the ground, when my drunken neighbor started charging across the street, as fast as her 97 year old legs would carry her, coffee cup in one hand, cane in the other.

"Jenny! What are you doing?" She crowed.
"Well, I am hanging up some signs Miss. H." I answered.
"What's that you say?!?!?!!? Hanging up signs? But you already have your house for sale."

Well it's true, I do. And I have had the same for sale sign stuck in my lawn for 6 months now.

"Well, Mrs. H," I answered her (and I am almost yelling so that she can hear me), "Yes, I do have a for sale sign. But this is a sign for the Election."

And just as soon as the word 'election' came out of my mouth, I knew where I had gone wrong....and this was about to get really wrong really fast.

"WHATS THAT YOU SAY!?!?!? WHO'S HAVING AN ER*ECT*ION ?!?!?!?!" (and I type it this way so that creeping internet types doing a naughty word search don't land on my blog) If she had not been standing right there, I probably would have peed my pants laughing so hard at her. Then she promptly turned on her heels and trotted back to her house as fast as her 97 year old legs could carry her without waiting for me to respond.

I don't think I will ever be able to think about the election with a straight face again.

It's Works For Me Wednesday! Pumpkin Cake!

I have this super duper easy recipe that I would like to share with all of you. As a matter of fact I made it today, and it is sooooo simple and delicious.

All you need is 2 little ingredients.

1 Box of Cake Mix (I really like how this turns out with Spice Cake)
1 15 ounce can of pumpkin

Set your oven to 325 degrees, and get out a big bowl. Combine the 2 ingredients really well. (Do not add anything else! Have faith, this recipe will turn out great!) Use a spoon to mix it with, as the batter will be very stiff, and egg beaters will not cut it.

Spread the batter into a greased cake pan, cupcake pan, or bundt pan. Bake until a toothpick comes out clean when you poke it in. This is about 40 minutes for a Bundt pan, 20 minutes for cupcakes. Melt some frosting and drizzle it on the top. Accept compliments graciously.

I hope that you like this recipe, it's so stinking easy. It's got fiber in it, and pumpkin is a veggie right? So no guilt if you feed this to your kids twice a week for snack ;) !!!For more ideas for things that make our lives a little easier, hop on over to Rocks In My Dryer, and see what's working for other friendly faces!

Not Me Monday, 3rd Edition.

It's Monday! Hooray! And there is no school today, so I am more than thrilled. As part of my thrill of the holiday, I am posting my Not Me's for the week! If you enjoy these Not Me's come on over to MCK and read some more! Hey, you might just want to make up your own list.

• I did not fall on the floor laughing my head off when my 5 year old fell into the toilet when she was using it.
• I did not let my dishes pile up in the sink, to the point that I had to use the sprayer to fill up the coffee pot. I would NEVER do such a thing.
  
• I did not make a whole pan of apple dumplings for the church homecoming, taste one, and decide that I couldn't carry them to church because they are too good to share. Nope. And I certainly did not whip up a carrot cake to replace the missing dessert. That would be terrible of me!
  
• I did not wear pants to church today because I didn't feel like shaving my legs.
• I did not borrow my 5 year old's strawberry glitter lip gloss to wear to church today.
  
• I did not skip a day of home school lessons with my daughter simply because the sun was out and it was magnificent outside.
• I did not accidentally/on purpose blow off someone's request for my baby girl's outgrown baby clothes because I am selfishly hording them and thinking she will either shrink to fit them again, or that by some miracle I find some time to make those clothes into a quilt.
  
• I did not intentionally leave the complete link to my whole blog, instead of just my Not Me post, so that you would read the hilarious post directly underneath of it.
• I did not keep a post it note handy this week to keep some of my Not Me's fresh in my braincell depleted noggin. And I am not posting this a day early. Really. Check your calendar.
  

I hope that you enjoyed my little confessions this week. I can't wait to read yours.

Saturday Morning Wake Up Call.

All week long I have been cursing the "up before the crack of dawn" alarm clock. Today, the alarm went off at the usual time, and I rolled over and cheered as I turned it off. It's Saturday. And it's raining. I don't have to do anything other than provide for the basic needs of the brood.

This morning, after I cheered at the alarm clock, I went back to sleep. 3 hours later, I was woken up by the sound of little whispering voices and a cooing baby. The conversation outside my bedroom door went something like this....

"Awww...the baby is so cute! Do you think we should tell mama that she's awake?"
"No. Remember what today is? It's Saturday."
"Is it? I need to look at my calendar." Pitter patter of little feet to the kitchen.
"Oh, it is Saturday. Oh....and it's raining too."

The cooing baby becomes a hungry fuss.

"Wake her up, the baby is hungry."
"I'm not waking her up, you wake her up."
"But it's raining. And you aren't supposed to wake her up when it's raining."
"Wait, I have an idea! Follow me."

Pitterpattering feet to the kitchen again. A few minutes pass, and then the feet return. I pretend I am still asleep when the kidlets come into my room, do something, and then tiptoe out, shutting the door.

Here is what I found.....
Shall we take a closer look?




Nice.....so not only is the clock set for exactly 5 minutes from now, there is a faint tick tick sound.... I removed the paper and found this....


Ya think I should spank them now? or later? Actually, I won't be spanking them at all, I was laughing too hard.

And soooooo, our Saturday morning begins. How did your day begin?

...just like a little girl.

My daughter and I were reading in her Bible this morning before she headed off to school from the book of James. James 4:7 says "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." The daughter asked what the word flee meant. So I explained to her that it meant run away very fast, like if you were scared of something. She started laughing. So said that she had a picture pop in her mind of the devil, running away in fear, screaming like a little girl.

Okay, so after I got over my initial shock of her using the phrase "screaming like a little girl" and trying to figure out where on earth she had heard it, I thought of the same mental image....the devil, running for his life, and screaming just like a girl. And I had to laugh.

But this is what God wants us to know. That we do in fact have that kind of authority over the enemy. The Bible stated it very clearly in words that my 6 year old could understand. It simply states to give yourself to God, resist the devil, and he will run away screaming like a little girl. Well, not in those exact words, but you get the idea. Having that mental picture sure does make me want to resist the devil a lot more.

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The Middle Child cracked open the bathroom door (I really need to learn to lock that thing) about 10 seconds before I was going to jump in the shower. She has impeccable timing, you know. And asked me for some lunch. I told her to please wait until I got out of the shower and that I would make her some. But she could get a banana out of the fruit basket if she wanted. She scampered off to the kitchen leaving me to my apple scented shower gel and panteen shampoo.

She grabbed a banana all right. Actually, when I got out of the shower and saw her sitting at the counter, swinging her chubby legs back and forth, and a banquet set out before her... she explained that she had MADE her own lunch. This, I had to see. On the counter was a half eaten banana, a fudgecicle wrapper and stick, a Dora yogurt (complete with a measuring spoon that she had used to eat it), 4 cheese wrappers, and the remainders of an untoasted english muffin....spread an inch thick with butter. She told me that she had saved the fudgecicle for last, since it was a dessert item.

Well, I can't say that keeping her home alone with me this year to homeschool hasn't been totally life changing for her. I am watching a beautiful and independent spirit blossom out of what was once a totally selfish and needy toddler. I am very proud.

We cleaned up her lunch mess together.

Not Me Monday, again.

It's Monday, and it's time to confess again that I am not the perfect Mother/Wife/Person. Time to be brutally honest, and live to tell about it. Please join me at MCK to read some other real life confessions.

This week, I most certainly DID NOT hide in the pantry to eat a piece of chocolate birthday cake for breakfast while my children grumbled and complained about eating cream of wheat at the breakfast table. And I didn't eat some more of that chocolate cake for dinner either.

I did not put my baby to bed in the clothes that she was to wear the next day because I would rather sleep in an extra couple of minutes. I did not pass my baby off to the first available elderly person at church so that I could worship God with my arms empty for a change.

I really really used that 4 day wait rule between trying new foods with my baby...nope, I certainly did not try out apple, pears, sweet potatoes, and peaches all in one week.

I did not wear the same shirt 2 days in a row this week. I certainly washed it. And I certainly did not throw a sweatshirt on top of it when the baby spit up on it. I would never do that! I did not just put a hat on my head to take my kid to school this morning....oh, no...I took a shower. And I certainly did not just take the garbage out to the curb this morning in my fuzzy pink bathrobe, and wave at my daughter's teacher, who coincidentally lives right next door.

If this doesn't break your heart....

If this picture doesn't just break your heart, well then something is wrong with you. This is how the baby knows her Daddy.
The funny man in the box. If I had audio of this, you would hear the two of them having a conversation together. I really long for the day when this whole ordeal is over.

What's cooking in the blender....

I only have a moment to type here, and then I will be putting the blender into overdrive tonight.

The little apple has finally reached what I believe may be my most favorite time in babyhood. She is eating solids. And from the sheer size of her, anyone can tell, that she loves eating them. She is graduating from rice cereal and oatmeal. She has taste tested applesauce and smashed bananas. She is just itching to dig into the plethora of different foods that are available. Thus, my trip to the grocery store.

I completely bypassed the baby food in the jar section and headed straight for the produce. I am so excited. I purchased fresh peaches, pears, green beans, peas, acorn squash, carrots, and sweet potatoes. My kitchen is busy with food steaming and baking. I really, really love doing this. I have honestly missed doing this. It's been too many years since the last time I have prepared baby food.

In just a few minutes, I will be blending, blending, blending....and then pouring these wonderful things into ice cube trays and freezing. Those frozen food cubes will be put into freezer bags and labeled for future use. I can't wait for my little darling to try all these wonderful foods.

Oh, I wish she could stay this age forever.

Staff Only and Armpit Farts

The Oldest is really enjoying public school. It makes me very sad that she loves it so much, but I am seeing so many changes in her behavior and maturity in this short time....I have to admit, being among a throng of children her own age has been very good for her.

For the most part.

Except for some little eensie weensie little issues. Today, she had "Walking Recess." This is a punishment issued to a student when they have done something pretty stinking bad. There are only 2 punishments worse than "Walking Recess" and that is a note going home to your parents, and a trip to the principal's office. Walking Recess means that the student has to miss recess and must walk laps around the field during that time...no fun for that child. It makes some students cry. I know mine did.

Now you ask, what on earth did my perfect child do to deserve such a horrible punishment? The heinous thing she did was.....(dramatic music here!) She used the Staff Only restroom. Now I have to chuckle about it now that she is tucked away in her bed. Apparently, she needed to use the bathroom during Computer Lab time, so she and another student were to travel together to the restroom in the First Grade Hall. According to my daughter, the Staff Only restroom was soooo much closer. So her traveling friend for the bathroom told her to go on in there....then the friend split. Didn't wait for my daughter. So when she opened the bathroom door, there stood two teachers. She was in pretty big trouble. Especially since 1) She knows how to read the words Staff Only and 2) She isn't considered staff. Silly little girl. But she took her punishment well, and I sided with the teachers on that one. I don't care if the other student told her to use that particular bathroom. My kid knows better. Staff Only means exactly what it says.

And my other eensie weensie issue with public school?

My darling six year old daughter learned how to do an arm pit fart today. She showed me in the car. Does it get any better than that? *shaking my head in disbelief*