I haven't written a word on here in what seems like ages. I haven't felt motivated to share anything because there isn't much happy to share. I'm going to share very frankly what is going on in my heart, so if you are looking for a happy post, this isn't it. Keep on scrolling.
I have shed quite a number of tears this week, and most of them in private because I don't want the kids to think that something is wrong. But the truth is, the "everything is going to be okay" mask that I have kept up is crumbling. Everything is wrong. Everything is not working out according to plan...my plan anyway. My plan included my house being sold already and our happy family traveling together to our new location, picking our our new home, and finding a new church.
Instead, my husband is packing up. Alone. He will be traveling alone to Louisiana, and staying heaven knows where until our house is gone. I will be here. Alone. Instead of picking out our new little dream house together, he is shopping around for a new laptop.The discussion that occurred the morning that he bought it, he said that he would make sure that it came with a web cam so that the girls will be able to "see" him when we talk. How sad is that? I have to explain to my little girls some time in the near future that their Daddy is going away and I am not sure when we will get to see him again. I'm not sure how to do that yet. It is going to crush them. Instead of packing up boxes, I'm crunching numbers to see if we can stay afloat during these months and how much we will have left over for food and gas. It's difficult to remind myself that my God shall supply all my needs, according to His riches in Glory.
I am sad. I am confused. I am scared. And I really really don't want to be alone. God says that he will never abandon us, but it certainly feels like He doesn't care about our family staying together. I want to blame something...the economy, my husband's job, God, anything. But I guess blame isn't going to get us out of here any faster. I just want some answers....what else can I do...or say to make this mountain move? Is my faith just not big enough? My prayers not frequent enough? Are we being punished for something? Fine God, punish me...but leave the kids out of it, okay?
Alright, I think I am done dumping this huge sack of emotions for today. I am ready to resume my very fake "everything is going to be alright" mask, and pretend for the sake of the girls that everything really is going to be fine. For today, it will be fine.